My Abstinence-Only Experience

Jessica at Feministing asked her readers to e-mail her and share their abstinence-only sex education experiences for her latest book. I have been meaning to write about my own public school sex education for quite some time and I thought this would be a perfect opportunity. I’m not sure if she’ll be able to use my story if I post it to my own blog, but I thought I would kill two birds with one stone and write the e-mail as well as the blog entry in one go.

Oh, and my apologies for any improper grammar and typos. I was very tired when I wrote this (still am), and life has me running around doing ten things at once. (No, really, you should see me brush my hair, talk on the cell phone, order refills on my dad’s prescriptions, entertain a toddler, and drive all at the same time. …ok, maybe I exaggerrate, but only a little.) Ordinarily I’d take the time to make this perfect, fix the tenses and all that, but I really just wanted to get this out while it was in my head, and now I’m rambling so just read it.

In eighth grade I believe it was (1994-95), I had a co-ed sexual education course for my nine weeks of health class as dictated by South Carolina law at that time. I’m not totally sure it was classified as abstinence-only, but it was close enough. At the start of it, we touched briefly on both male and female puberty, once again relearning what we had been told in fifth grade by the school nurse with a little more detail this time, and then we talked about sex, STDs, and pregnancy.

We talked about hormonal birth control for women, but we were told it’d make us gain weight (Oh, the horror!) and that it was nearly impossible for teenagers to remember to take the pill reliably and thus it was unimaginable we could ever trust that 98-99% effectiveness. I think the biggest lie I was told was in regards to condoms and their effectiveness at preventing both STD/STI transmission as well as preventing pregnancy. I was told that even with perfect use, condoms were only 85% effective at preventing HIV and pregnancy. How frightening is that to a scared teenager?

Over and over again we were told that it was better to wait until marriage for sex. There were hints dropped that girls should be careful with how we dressed and what we allowed on dates with boys. I remember vividly hearing our teacher tell us that boys were more visually aroused than girls, and they can’t help themselves if they get aroused. Back then I thought that was a lie as I knew I could be aroused visually, but then again it made me question if something was wrong with me as all my peers nodded their heads in agreement. I accepted that lie because it never occurred to me that my peers were agreeing with her because she was an authority figure and supposedly had more knowledge on the subject than we did. She was married with kids so she had obviously had sex and must know what she was talking about. We couldn’t question her, or so I believed. There was at least one semi-cool moment in class that I recall. She once asked the boys if they’d prefer a virgin on their wedding night, and when they all agreed she asked why we girls couldn’t expect a virgin too. Of course, this was about the only time I recall there being any mention of equality.

By far the worst thing that stands out in my mind has to be the horrible video series we watched. I wish I could remember the name of it, but what I do remember is that it was a big steaming pile of racist, sexist, and misogynistic crap. It was from the mid to late 80’s from the look of it (big hair, really tight jeans, etc.) and it centered around four high school couples plus one set of parents and an older sibling of one of the girls. There was the couple that was good and the female half of that relationship kept reiterating she was going to wait for marriage and the boy would begrudgingly agree with her. They were white as was the star football player and his girlfriend. Then there was a black couple who also were waiting for marriage, and a younger black girl who was being pursued by another young black man who was the stereotypical black troublemaker. There is a reason I mention race, it comes into play later.

The jock wanted to have sex, but his girlfriend had been reluctant. She was really close friends with the other white girl who urged her not to have sex because she would regret it. One night they went to a party to celebrate the football team’s victory. There was plenty of underaged drinking, and the “pure” girl decided she was going to leave. Her boyfriend, also unfcomfortable, agreed. She found her friend dancing with the jock and told her she was going, and that maybe she should go home, too. The friend was absolutely plastered and her jock boyfriend said, “She doesn’t want to go.” The girl argued, but her friend, who was laughing because everything is silly when you’re drunk, told her to go. She reluctantly agreed to leave with her boyfriend as the jock ominously half-carried the girl off some place else.

Keep in mind that the girl was so drunk that she could not stand without assistance. Her thinking was clearly impaired and the jock was definitely taking advantage of her drunken state. The next day or so, she’s back in school and says she can’t remember that night, but she’s pretty sure she and the jock had sex. The “pure” girl pities her, but immediately the slut shaming and victim begins because viewers are left with the impression that it was all her fault for staying with the jock and getting drunk in the first place. Naturally, the girl winds up pregnant and she has to admit this to her parents, and no one, not even the girl herself, ever brings up the fact the sex may not have been consensual. Nope, it’s all her fault for giving into temptation and getting knocked up. She goes to the doctor to discuss prenatal care (oh yeah, abortion was never even hinted at as an option, only adoption or keeping the baby), and her biggest concern is when the doctor tells her she’ll have to gain twenty-five to thirty pounds! Yes, she even sobs and wails when the doctor tells her that. I guess other health issues that arise from pregnancy weren’t as important as the fact she was going to permanently ruin her perfect figure and become a disgusting fat girl. Oh, and to add insult to injury, the jock denies he could be the father and accuses the girl of giving him crabs.

After this we’re treated to a scene with the “pure” girl is kissing her boyfriend. She stops him before things get too hot (oh no, he put his hand on her waist!) and he hints at his desire to show her how much he loves her. She tells him that while she is tempted, she doesn’t want to end up like her knocked up friend, which of course if the fate of all teens who have sex. Again, he agrees that waiting is best.

While all this is going on, we also shown the story of the black couples in this school. (They were all friends, but there also seemed to be this divide that kept them separated from the white teens, which I don’t think was intentional.) The first couple is very similiar to the pure couple, only they are making plans to wed after graduation. Though it wasn’t outright said, part of this decision was based on the fact that they wanted to have sex, but knew marriage was the only proper place to do it. No one wanted to end up like that knocked up slut. Then there was the younger black girl, a good student and younger sister to an older girl we saw on the rare occasion. She had caught the eye of a boy that I think was a juvenile deliquent. Naturally, he was black too, and everyone warned the girl that this boy was bad news. Of course, he turned on the charm and and tried to woo her. Against her better judgement, she agreed to meet with him at someone’s house alone. Do you see where this is going? Yep, the one single black guy that wasn’t a carbon copy of the “pure” couple, rapes the young black girl in a pretty horrific scene.

I can’t remember it clearly, but I think the girl is so ashamed she never reports the rape. The boy is never arrested for rape (I think he gets into trouble for something else and goes to jail later on), and she only confides the rape in her older sister. Throughout all this, the younger girl has had a crush on the slightly older “pure” black boy, but of course he’s in love with his girlfriend. After the rape, the younger black girl decides she wants to try to steal him away from his girlfriend. At a school dance, she dresses up in a tight and what was for the time a somewhat revealing dress. (Oh yeah, the rape only happed a couple of weeks before at best and she’s not demonstrating any signs of trauma.) She takes off her coat for a big reveal and goes over to talk to her crush. He is obviously stunned by her appearance, but brushes her off and finds his girlfriend. Disappointed, the girl goes over to her older sister who saw the whole thing. The older sister does the right thing and tells her that using sex is the wrong way to get men, but then she goes on to say that the way she dresses in just an invitation to get raped again. Yes, more slut shaming and hints that she’s to blame for being raped in the first place. That’s enough to make the younger girl see the error of her ways and leave the older boy alone.

The series wraps up with a ten-year high school reunion. Some older woman speaks to the audience about what happened to everyone. The pregnant girl had to drop out of school and never got to go to college, and the jock was forced to pay child support and lost all his dreams of going to college and becoming a football star as well. The white couple that chose to wait didn’t marry each other, but they went on to college and had happy families because they had chosen to wait until they were married. The black couple tried to make a go of it, but even though they had waited, a baby came too soon and ruined their marriage. They were divorced and we see the younger black girl, who has supposedly remained virginal and “pure” this whole time, speaking to him and they were making plans to go out on a date afterward. Yes, she finally got the guy just by waiting! I can’t help but ask why it was the black couple who divorced and why the white couple got all the good things? And why was it rape when the black boy did it? Because the girl was clearly unwilling? Yet, the white girl could barely stand, but the jock had been wanting sex with her and it was her fault for getting drunk around him.

It’s so depressing to think that my young 14 year-old self bought into some of this tripe, but I was one of the lucky ones with a mom willing to talk openly about sex. She wasn’t perfect, but thanks to her I never believed sex was something that had to wait until marriage in order to be fun and special. The first time I had sex and all throughout my first sexual relationship, I used condoms. There were no excuses not to. I’m sad to say I didn’t insist on a condom with my second partner for various reasons I won’t get into here, and I had an unplanned pregnancy as a result, but I would not trade my son in for anything in this world. I refuse to feel shame for my past sex choices (in fact, I think I annoyed a few of my more conservative relatives for my decision not to marry my son’s father). Those choices have shaped who I am and I’m a better and stronger person for it. I own my sexuality and I own my body – I always have, but these days I actually believe that and make choices based on that.